What Is Enabling?
In simple terms, “enabling” occurs when those around the substance abuser – the spouse/significant other, various family members (typically, parents, siblings, or children) or close friends –make it easier for the drug or alcohol abuse to continue by insulating their addicted loved one from the natural consequences of their actions. Unfortunately, many addicts find that they have someone who is willing to enable their addictions. These enabling behaviors can be detrimental to the person who is using. This is why it’s so important to stop enabling behaviors immediately. Enabling is definitely a misguided practice. It is born out of the best intentions, and enablers often believe that they are helping. Very rarely do people see a problem with what they’re doing when it comes to enabling. It’s so important to learn how to stop enabling an alcoholic or an addict in order to facilitate recovery.
Examples of Enabling Behavior
Enabling behavior can unintentionally help a person with addiction avoid facing the consequences of their actions, allowing the addiction to persist or worsen. Often, those who enable others do so out of love or a desire to help, but it can ultimately prevent the person from getting the help they need. Recognizing enabling behavior is a crucial step in breaking the cycle of addiction and supporting recovery.
Here are some common examples of enabling behavior:
1. Making Excuses for Their Actions
When you constantly make excuses for someone’s drinking or drug use, you’re shielding them from the natural consequences of their behavior. This might feel like helping, but it actually prevents them from taking responsibility for their actions.
Example: If a loved one is late to work or misses a family event because they were drinking, you might tell others, “They had a rough day and just couldn’t get up this morning.” Instead of addressing the problem, this excuse reinforces the behavior and delays any effort to change.
2. Covering Up Their Mistakes
Another form of enabling is covering up for the person’s mistakes or bad decisions caused by addiction. By doing this, you prevent them from facing the reality of their actions and the potential fallout.
Example: If someone’s addiction causes them to lose their job or miss important responsibilities, you might step in to smooth things over—calling the employer or rescheduling appointments for them. While you may want to protect them, this action allows the person to avoid confronting their behavior and its consequences.
3. Financial Support for Their Addiction
Offering financial help to a person with an addiction, especially when they’re using that money to fuel their addiction, is a classic example of enabling. This doesn’t mean you should never offer help, but providing money that supports destructive habits keeps them trapped in the cycle.
Example: Giving money to someone who is struggling with addiction, even when they’re clearly using it to buy drugs or alcohol, can perpetuate their dependency. Instead of supporting their recovery, you’re enabling the behavior that keeps them dependent.
4. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Avoiding tough conversations about the addiction can be a form of enabling. When you avoid discussing the problem, you’re essentially allowing the person to continue without having to acknowledge the severity of their addiction.
Example: If you notice that someone is drinking heavily every night but don’t bring it up out of fear of conflict, you’re enabling their behavior. By not addressing the issue directly, you’re letting it go unchecked, which can allow the problem to grow worse over time.
5. Taking on Their Responsibilities
When you take over the responsibilities that the person should be handling themselves, you’re enabling them to avoid facing the consequences of their addiction. This prevents them from growing, learning, and ultimately taking control of their own life.
Example: If a loved one is constantly late to work due to their drinking, you might start covering for them by calling in and explaining their absence. While you may feel you’re helping, you’re actually taking away the opportunity for them to be accountable for their actions and potentially face the consequences of their behavior.
6. Minimizing the Problem
When you downplay the severity of the addiction or its effects, you make it easier for the person to avoid facing their problem. This can prevent them from seeking the help they need to recover.
Example: Saying things like, “It’s not that bad,” or “Everyone drinks a little too much sometimes,” can minimize the reality of the addiction. This behavior reinforces the idea that the issue isn’t serious and prevents the person from seeing the need for change.
How Do I Know If I’m Enabling My Addicted Loved One?
It can be hard to draw the line between loving someone with a substance use disorder and enabling their disease. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you are guilty of enabling behaviors:
- Am I constantly giving them money?
- Do I fall for their manipulation – emotional blackmail, shame, guilt, flattery?
- Do I give them a place to live, regardless of their destructive behaviors?
- Do I provide their transportation and pay their insurance?
- Do I pay for their phone?
- Do I assume responsibility for their legal bills?
- Have I lied to their employer to keep them from getting fired?
- Do I cover up for them with family members because of embarrassment?
- Do I excuse their abusive behavior?
- Is THEIR addiction making MY life unmanageable?
How to Stop Enabling an Addict.
That’s just it – if you are enabling someone else’s addictive behaviors, you have to STOP. It may sound simple, but stopping your enabling actions can be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done, because it goes against your natural desire to help your suffering loved one. You have to STOP protecting the substance abuser from the consequences of their own actions.
- STOP supporting them financially.
- STOP covering up for them.
- STOP saving them from embarrassment.
- STOP giving them a “free pass” to act in ways that are unacceptable, abusive, or demeaning.
- STOP putting the needs of their disease before yours or those of your family.
- Immediately START tying all of your future contact, support, and protection to their getting professional help for their disease of addiction.
When you do these things – when you remove your unconditional support – you force the addict/alcoholic to change what they are doing. They have to start standing on their own two feet, and if they can’t, then that usually spurs them into seeking help. Just as important, it allows you to focus on YOURSELF and the rest of the family, no matter what the other person is doing. You can start working on restoring manageability and sanity to your own lives, just as your addicted loved one will have to do for their own self. This doesn’t mean that you no longer care about your struggling loved one.
By no longer enabling an addict, you are no longer supporting their disease. You are taking the difficult but necessary step that gives them the necessary motivation to face their problem. If and when they decide to seek and accept professional help – and when they complete their treatment program – you can together work on moving forward. But remember, you can’t be there for someone else if you’re not there for yourself first.
What You Can Do Instead to Support Change
Stopping enabling behavior doesn’t mean you stop caring—it means you’re helping your loved one take responsibility and seek the help they need. Here’s how you can shift your approach while still supporting their recovery:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Setting boundaries with someone struggling with addiction is key. Let them know what behaviors you won’t tolerate and stick to those limits.
- Example: “I care about you, but I can’t cover for you anymore. If you’re ready to get help, I’ll support you.” This shows you care but holds them accountable.
2. Encourage Professional Help
Instead of offering financial support, encourage them to seek professional treatment, like therapy or rehab.
- Example: “I think you should get professional help. I can help you find a program, but it’s up to you to take that first step.” This pushes them toward real recovery.
3. Offer Emotional Support, Not Financial Support
Support them emotionally, but avoid giving money that could feed the addiction.
- Example: “I want to see you healthy, but I can’t keep giving you money. I’ll help you find resources if you’re ready.” This keeps your support focused on their recovery, not their addiction.
4. Practice Tough Love
Let them face the consequences of their actions. Don’t cover for them, but show you care and want them to get better.
- Example: “I’m disappointed you missed the event, but I understand you’re struggling. I hope you’ll get help soon.” Tough love encourages them to take ownership of their actions.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Focus on your own well-being so you can be there for them in a healthy way. Seek your own support, too.
- Example: “I’m taking time for myself and attending a support group. I need to be healthy to help you.” Taking care of yourself ensures you’re in a good place to help.
6. Be Patient and Hold Them Accountable
Support their recovery, but hold them accountable for following through with their actions.
- Example: “I’m glad you started therapy. Let’s check in on how it’s going.” This shows you’re invested but won’t let them avoid responsibility.
Getting Help for a Loved One Facing Addiction
You want to learn how to stop enabling an addict or an alcoholic in your own life. This means finding out how to get help for your addicted loved one. The first step is to talk with your loved one. Of course, you need to know beforehand that this conversation might not go well. Your family member is likely to get very angry, and even threaten you emotionally or physically. Choose a time to talk when your loved one is sober, and when there are no distractions around. Chances are pretty good that just talking won’t help much. At that point, you need to take a different course of action. This might be staging an intervention.
You can access intervention services through most drug and alcohol rehab centers. An intervention is a meeting that includes your loved one, yourself, and other participants. An interventionist will be there to help you know what to say, and how to say it. Interventions are extremely powerful, and they are effective too. If you have an addicted family member, this is certainly something you need to consider doing. You may even be surprised when your loved one finally agrees to get help.
Help for Families Who Want to Stop Enabling Behavior
Northpoint Recovery, located in Boise, Idaho, is an inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility that offer evidence-based services to clients throughout the region – not only Idaho, but also Washington State, Oregon, Wyoming, Montana, and Utah. Here at Northpoint Recovery, we want you to know we understand the different challenges you’re facing. It’s hard when you’re caught in a cycle of enabling behaviors. It’s also difficult if you feel you have crossed over into co-dependency.
You probably feel like it’s impossible to escape the situation you’re in. We want you to know that it’s not. We offer intervention services that can help you get your loved one into treatment. You may be nervous about making those arrangements for a number of reasons. You might be worried that your loved one will become angry with you, or stop talking to you. Please know that these feelings are normal.
We’d like you to push past those feelings and truly think about what’s best for your loved one. You know that he or she needs help. We’d like to assist you in getting that help. Do you have more questions about enabling behaviors and how to stop them? Please contact us.